Experiment: how I lived for three months without porn and masturbation

More than 30% of traffic on the Internet is porn.
A 2014 study found that nearly 50% of young males first saw pornography before the age of 13, almost all watch it at least once a year, and 12% of those who watch regularly have never masturbated without porn. Porn addiction is still not listed in the DSM, although the fifth edition includes chapters on behavioral addictions such as gambling and substance abuse. The problem, on the one hand, is that it is impossible to collect the scientifically relevant data necessary for statistics due to anonymity and easy access to pornography. On the other hand, few porn users call themselves addicted. The most representative study with a sample of 20 thousand people showed that only 1.2% of women and 4.4% of men consider themselves addicted to pornography.

Some researchers suggest that in the future, porn addiction may be included in the class of hypersexual disorders, and the following characteristics are predictors of porn abuse: male gender, youth, religiosity, frequent Internet use, negative emotions, a tendency to sexual boredom and the search for novelty.

Experimental conditions: 90 days without porn and masturbation

I remembered that I actually have ambitions and plans for the future, and decided on the most severe long-term experiment, as a result of which I hope to get rid of this harmful attachment.

Having gathered all my experience into a fist, I decided to set two main conditions:

1. No porn, erotica, hentai games, erotic stories, photos of former classmates. Even a little bit, even if it’s very interesting.
2. No masturbation for at least 90 days.

Additional sub-items have been added to this list: limit computer games, use of social networks and watching videos on YouTube to avoid accidental triggers and simplify the recovery process.

In English, the method of rigidly giving up a habit is called cold turkey - that is, abruptly, once and for all. This time I decided to “chill this turkey” to a minimum with liquid nitrogen of willpower.

I decided to avoid everything related to porn: even if it is very interesting and even if you don’t jerk off, the desire to watch sooner or later will lead to a severe relapse. I understood this from my previous experiences.

A previous attempt to quit the habit failed after 40 days: it ended in a relapse during the autumn exacerbation of anxiety and feelings of loneliness. My main mistake then was that I sometimes allowed myself to look at what was new in the world of online erotica. I also needed to get rid of all my hundreds of gigabytes of archives that I had worked hard to accumulate over the years.

Psychologically, I couldn’t afford to just erase everything - even if I would never be allowed to look at it again.

Therefore, I decided to close everything in one archive and gave the password to my friend. Of course, this doesn’t solve the problem of online porn, but you won’t be able to “accidentally” open something wrong on your computer.

Types of female masturbation5

There are two main types of female masturbation:

• Adaptive methods of sexual satisfaction that can be used by both the lady herself and her partner during sex.
• Maladaptive - this is the name given to the impact on the clitoris through friction, muscle tension, a stream of water and the use of various objects and sex toys.

There are also differences in the methods of handjob:

• No penetration

If a woman can get pleasure without inserting the penis or other objects into the vagina, then the greatest attention should be paid to clitoral stimulation. This method is characterized by the use of various means to irritate the clitoris: fingers, shower, cloth, etc.

• With penetration

When penetrating the vagina, the clitoris and G-spot are stimulated. In this case, you can also use various devices or dildos. Particularly sophisticated onanists or simply great inventors can adapt for these purposes even fruits or vegetables that are suitable in shape and size.

Why porn is a problem

The main problem with adult content was that I spent an incredible amount of time on it. I watched porn or played games every day, this took up almost all my free time, and during stressful periods, even non-free time. This was the space in which I could always hide from the hostile world and get a dose of pleasure.

I spent hours searching for the right game, and then the next one and the next one. Then they all had to be tried or passed. It was exciting!

I sat with a penis in my hand, but the point was not the pleasure of masturbation as such - but the pleasure of masturbation for the exclusive obtained through long labor! And the search for validity takes hours, days, weeks.

I conducted an extensive research of game authors, models, actresses who interested me, and people I knew. The story was important to me, the knowledge of something inaccessible to ordinary people: it was possible to make fun of ordinary photographs, but I waited for weeks for some torrent to load at dial-up speed, until the next version of the game from lazy developers was released.

Because of this searching and waiting, I learned to stretch out the pleasure, to stop before orgasm in order to have time to find something else. The process included as many different sources as possible for getting the coveted dose of dopamine: being distracted by a video on YouTube, playing one game in an online game, watching a classmate’s Instagram feed.

At the same time, every time I wanted to end with something really worthy of my orgasm - the prospect of just sitting down and cumming in half an hour for some unknown reason caused great disappointment.

And disappointment often set in: at the end of my marathons, I lost interest in absolutely everything - and even more so in the real world.

Of course, the impact of this lifestyle on my mental abilities was noticeable. It had a detrimental effect on memory, motivation, concentration, and emotional intelligence.

One evening I got so carried away that I forgot about the exam the next day. Everyone around me started to worry that I would be kicked out of the university, but not me! I just sat there as if nothing had happened and couldn’t even properly say “thank you” to my girlfriend, who came to support me. I was allowed to retake, but no matter how hard I tried to prepare, I could neither concentrate and sit for at least half an hour taking lecture notes, nor remember anything from the course. In short, I got a C grade only by miracle.

Like any other supranormal stimulus, pornography took up almost all the free space in my head. In class, I thought about places where I could find some more photos and toys. In the warm season, I photographed beautiful girls on the street, in supermarkets and on beaches, so that later... well, you get the idea - while I often forgot where I was going.

I couldn't get out of my head the thoughts of how this or that passerby would look in the plots of hentai games or how good someone's beautiful lips would be for a blowjob. I heard a familiar word from some game - and immediately caught a flashback, like a PTSD sufferer from Vietnam, and drooled.

In this state, there was no question of normal performance or education. I earned just enough from freelancing to survive on minimum wage.

The same can be said about my physical health. Lack of sleep schedule and irregular food intake do not help much in life. I ruined my teeth because I could go months without brushing them. From time to time I only went out at night to buy cooking supplies at a discount - I was too lazy to cook. More often than not, I ate anything and developed stomach problems.

But often I was too lazy to even eat! I had to get up from the computer only when I didn’t have enough energy even for the necessary hand movements. To be fair, porn addiction is a great way to lose weight!

The problem was also that the addiction did not stand still: the developing tolerance encouraged me to look for more and more severe types of “drug”. I started with different subjects in drawn pornography - then I wanted to find something similar in reality: for example, unusual cruelty, sex with animals or underage characters.

I, of course, shared for myself what is acceptable in the virtual world with what is normal in reality, and I have always been categorically against sexual violence in any form - physical or psychological!

But at one point I began to worry that my boundaries were quietly expanding - and this could affect my sexuality.

And my psyche, against the backdrop of all the accompanying problems, has been hurting for a very long time.

44% of English boys aged 11 to 16 said they learned about new types of sex they wanted to try from porn.

This is not the entire list of “benefits” that an addiction to pornography can bring. In my opinion, despite my experience, I got off lightly!

I urgently needed to restore dopamine mechanisms and begin to unravel my huge tangle of problems.

How do women caress themselves?2

Most often, women give themselves pleasure by stimulating their erogenous zones by stroking, rubbing and pressing with their fingers, much less often by vibration stimulation.

You can influence the clitoris by stroking or rubbing its body, stretching the labia to the sides and pressing on the pubis. Stimulation of the clitoral head is used less frequently, as it causes pain. When a point of the clitoris is massaged for a long time, its sensitivity weakens and it begins to go numb.

Forms of masturbation:

• insertion into the vagina of objects resembling the male genital organ - 10%;
• use of hydromassage - 4%;
• hip squeezing - 4%;

• friction of the intimate part against some object - 6%;
• use of a vibrator - 26%;
• manual caresses of the vaginal and clitoral areas - 48%;
• other methods - 2%.

According to a survey conducted by the Masters and Johnson Institute program, 265 women aged 18 to 35 responded to questions about masturbation. It was found that only a small part of them, during masturbation, place an object resembling a phallus into the vagina. There are also few ladies who like to complement masturbation with breast stimulation. At the same time, it could be called curious that each woman chooses a position for masturbation individually according to her feelings.

About 6% of ladies prefer to caress themselves while lying on their back, others do it on their side, sitting or even standing. There are ladies who like to stimulate themselves in a knee-elbow position by placing their hand between their legs. Some people rub their erogenous zones against various objects, or stroke the clitoris and vulva with a smooth or soft cloth.

Approximately 3% of women enjoy squeezing their thighs during masturbation; some bring themselves to ecstasy by directing a water jet to the perineum area. Very often, women use special creams and lubricants, but they do not have much significance. Many women who resort to self-satisfaction have used vibrators at least once in their lives, but a quarter of those surveyed chose this device as the main tool for achieving orgasm.

Why I gave up masturbation too

If the problem is pornography, then why limit yourself to such a normal and seemingly necessary activity as masturbation? Especially considering that in my case this means giving up orgasm as such.

The thing is that in my brain, according to the law of what fires together - wires together, the act of masturbation turned out to be closely connected with the presence of certain external stimuli. Therefore, it turned out to be easier for me to throw everything out together rather than try to separate these things.

Some of them are directly related to being at the computer - for me, computer games were such a thing. When I was playing on the computer, trying to quit porn last time, I felt this connection. Fortunately, it also weakens over time.

I began to surf the Internet less often, communicate in instant messengers and sit on social networks, and at the same time succumb to the temptation to surf through photographs of familiar girls in swimsuits. But it became more pleasant to be alone with your thoughts.

In terms of side stimuli, you should not relax, even when the experiment seems to have returned to normal: this way you can inadvertently stumble upon some kind of exciting photograph and get a relapse. This happened to me a lot during the first month: I still saved photos of girls from Instagram every now and then - even without plans to use them as an incentive.

But I soon realized that I shouldn’t do that. And as soon as a sinking feeling appeared in the back of my head, I shuddered, closed the tabs, deleted all these files to hell, took a deep breath and rushed to do something useful - or at least just do push-ups.

Why do women masturbate?i

Some women begin to masturbate since childhood, when they discover that touching and stimulation of certain intimate areas brings unconscious pleasure that they want to repeat again and again.

Those ladies who remain dissatisfied after sexual contact with their partners also resort to masturbation.

Women are attracted to masturbation by modern prohibition. Currently, any information on the problems of female sexology flows like a river from all media.

Therefore, women are not averse to being a little naughty, especially if the public does not discuss them for it. Moreover, not receiving enough pleasure from sex, ladies are quite capable of using self-satisfaction techniques.

Often women do not hesitate to stimulate their erogenous zones even during intercourse. Partners, as a rule, are not outraged by this; on the contrary, they either get even more excited or rush to satisfy their ladies with similar stimulation.

Women masturbate using different methods: if 80% like to stimulate the labia minora and clitoris, the rest like to insert various objects into the vagina that resemble the male reproductive organ.

Start. Failure and change of scenery

Of course, it is very difficult to make everything work out right away.

Over the past six months of trying to pull myself together, I couldn't go longer than a week without porn. It happened this time too: a relapse occurred after a few days. If this happens, it should not be regarded as a defeat or the end of the world - it will only interfere with the experiment.

Instead of beating myself up, I decided to change the situation. Taking advantage of the fact that I did not have any urgent matters in the summer, I decided to help myself and went home to my hometown for two weeks. In a comfortable environment it is easier to relax and recover. But the most important factor for me was the environment: nice people, beloved dogs and a calm atmosphere.

Of course, the day before the trip passed without sleep. This was a mistake, but fortunately not a critical one.

In general, I categorically do not recommend not getting enough sleep during such an experiment: in addition to the fact that you feel like a rutabaga, willpower and any awareness without sleep are suppressed to a minimum, and this has a bad effect on the ability to resist impulsive desires.

Despite the lack of sleep, the next day was pleasant: like a man possessed, I began planning my activities for the next two weeks and went to rest. From this day the countdown of the days of this experiment began.

First days. Deceptive Rise

The positive effects of abstinence are felt after just a few days of the experiment. It becomes easier to think. Everyday things are forgotten less often. I always want to do something awesome. Ambitions turn into plans, and plans increasingly turn into actions. Some call all this a superpower, however, in my opinion, one should not delude oneself: it is simply a process of becoming oneself.

The main thing here is not to overload yourself with all the number of things that you have wanted to do throughout your life. It still won’t work to forge yourself a halberd and become an astronaut - it will only make you sad ahead of time. And sadness is a harmful companion in this experiment. It’s better to accept that a hundred lives are not enough for all your plans, and humbly go peel the potatoes.

There would not be such an unprecedentedly good mood and self-satisfaction as in the first week throughout the experiment: I knew that many difficulties awaited me ahead, so I lived through the optimistic fever of the first days as calmly as possible.

In this matter, neutrality is the best ally: if you believe too much in your good mood, you might think that the problem has been solved and from now on everything will always be fine - and then it’s not far from the failure of the experiment.

Pros of female masturbation6

The benefits of female masturbation have long been proven, since self-satisfaction techniques have a positive effect on the health of women.

• If a woman reaches orgasm while masturbating, her mood improves and serotonin, the hormone of happiness, is produced.
• By suggesting to her partner the most intimate places, the stimulation of which gives the greatest pleasure, a woman has a positive effect on the relationship with her partner.

• There is scientific evidence that masturbation is the most accessible and elementary way to provide physical and mental release.
• Masturbation provides the same pain-relieving effect as traditional sex.

First week. Coming out of the fog and a load of regrets

After the first week, the fog before your eyes almost completely disappears, and the world looks completely different.

I began to pay attention to various wonderful things, reason, reflect, be surprised by the world around me and write notes. I enthusiastically watched fluff randomly flying by, coming up with different metaphors for them, noticed meteors burning in the atmosphere, recorded a video with facts about bees in an apiary, and calculated the size of shadows on Mercury.

After eternal wanderings in a virtual fog with hundreds of attention magnets, going to the gym or having lunch in silence is comparable to meditation. The freed-up attention span makes it possible to re-recognize oneself and be interested in what is happening around.

At the same time, a panoramic view of all acquired problems opens up. “What happened to me?!” - was constantly spinning in my head.

I thought about my physical and mental health and the reversibility of the effects of abuse. I was concerned about the condition of my teeth, the health of my back, and how much my porn addiction had damaged my brain.

Realizing that I had lost at least five years of development, or even replaced it with regression, was painful: I wondered if I could become the smart person I always wanted to be.

“Why the hell couldn’t I do this a few years ago and not waste a lot of time if it’s so simple?” “It was very difficult for me to get rid of these obsessive thoughts. But gradually I learned to live with them. And the more passionately he was doing something, the dimmer they became.

Here it turned out to be important to dream less about how cool I could be if it weren’t for all this. Instead, you need to pedantically sort out all the problems and start methodically solving them: I started playing sports and became interested in neurobiology and brain plasticity.

Second week. No concentration

There is a lot more free time, which means that bad habits need to be replaced with useful ones. I wanted to re-develop my dopamine delayed reward mechanisms and learn how to learn. Little by little I started watching lectures, solving problems, or just doing something interesting.

Here I was faced with a familiar problem: the body perceived any attempt to tense up and concentrate as stress. And he is used to responding to stress with only one response: masturbation.

My attention and concentration began to go to hell: my thoughts were scattered in all directions, and my hand was reaching into my pants - even while I was writing this article. But after two and a half months, it became much easier to cope or not notice it at all.

I installed apps that help me avoid distractions and motivate me to do something. For example, Forest, where a tree is planted for a given time, which will dry out if you switch to another application. I can’t say that they helped a lot in not thinking about extraneous things, but definitely not looking at the phone. I tried to work at least a couple of hours a day, but it was difficult to strain my brain and I didn’t succeed every day.

But I didn’t pester myself with demands like I did during my failed attempts to quit porn: for the first two weeks, I thought the main thing was to just live in peace.

When I was free from all this crap, I spent my time playing with the dogs, walking in the fields, playing sports, cooking, and braiding my hair. And even sometimes the desire to learn something arose on its own.

Harm

Long-term abstinence for men is medically called “sexual abstinence.” In any other case, this concept is associated with a state of withdrawal. Doctors talk about the following disadvantages of refusing sex.

1. Loneliness in bed contributes to the development of insomnia, depression, irritability, and suspiciousness. Dejection and apathy have a stronger effect on those in whose lives sex has played a significant role.
2. Risk of prostatitis [3]. True, for this to happen, the body must also be affected by infections, stress, and an unhealthy lifestyle. Urologists note that full treatment of congestive forms of prostatitis is possible only with an active sexual life.
3. Long-term abstinence for a man negatively affects the quality of sperm. But a short three-day “sex fast” often helps couples who cannot have children.
4. It is believed that the body adapts to our habits. If you abstain all the time, an erection may not occur at the right time.
5. There is an opinion that the penis from time to time requires a “sip” of air, which it usually receives during an erection. If “oxygen starvation” occurs, the vessels become clogged with cholesterol plaques.

Brain attack and nightmares

Because I avoided harmful things during the day, my brain decided to “attack” me at night.

My dreams became more vivid: I dreamed of incredibly plausible scenes in which I masturbated to porn. They were so realistic that after waking up I was sure that I had lost my mind, and then I walked around stunned for half a day, convincing myself of the opposite.

Sleeping became more and more difficult, and I woke up tired. I tried all the reasonable methods: relaxation and no stimulation like the phone or mental work an hour before bed; evening workouts and a routine in which I wake up at the same time before dawn. Overall it got better, but despite these efforts, sometimes I woke up at night or simply could not rest properly, felt frustrated and slept during the day.

As I found out later, this is a normal reaction of the body to withdrawal in the first two weeks. It seems to me that the more stringent the experimental conditions, the more pronounced such phenomena are: the brain is starving without the usual stimuli and turns up its nose at fresh and healthy ones.

At the same time, I know that the brain is plastic - and it’s true that it has become easier over time. After two months, if I don’t sleep well, it’s probably due to violations of the regime.

Third week. All strength goes into the fight

Summer was coming to an end, it was time to return. Life in the dorm had complicated my previous attempts to quit porn, and I was afraid that when I was greeted by a terrible shit and pieces of moldy bread peeking out from the corners of the rooms, hugging someone’s forgotten old socks, I would become depressed and relapse. But this time it was easier, because now I didn’t live alone, and all my reflections could be shared with a neighbor.

Sitting in class turned out to be like torture. As soon as the lecture became boring, I lost concentration.

Fatigue from getting up early, despondency and discomfort from the attitude of teachers to their work and classmates to their studies caused a desire to hide from futility and decay. A strange feature: from fatigue and lack of sleep, my libido increases. There was no longer any desire to watch “something interesting” right in the classroom, but my consciousness had to be pulled, like pincers, away from the beaten path into the world of porn.

Every time I tried to tense up or bring my consciousness to my senses, I found myself with an erection and desire. Plus, anything that looked like a pretty girl captured almost all of my attention. And it was a distraction not only from boring couples, but also from things that really interested me, things that I actually wanted to do.

In the end, all I could do was workout, eat and walk. I started going to classes less often: I decided at first not to strain myself until all this crap let me go.

It became clear that I couldn’t occupy myself with studying alone: ​​I needed to concentrate on another, more ambitious activity - for example, writing texts.

The dopamine problem: instant gratification or long-term gain?

In a world filled with anticipation and easy sources of pleasure, challenging activities—like solving math problems or learning a new piece on the piano—lose their appeal. Why stress, engage in monotonous and boring activities for hours, if you can get much more fun in a couple of clicks? It takes a huge amount of energy to do something that doesn't feel good here and now.

Because of my addiction, the amount of time I could focus on anything that didn't involve pornography, games, or YouTube videos was slowly but surely decreasing. It has become almost impossible to force the brain to endure tons of work for the sake of an illusory reward in the future - even if the result looked very attractive!

Therefore, during the experiment, I paid special attention to the development of the skill of delayed gratification - this is the ability to give up immediate pleasure for the sake of a goal in the future that will bring more benefits. I really wanted to reconnect with my prefrontal cortex (the area of ​​the brain responsible for self-control and rational decision making) and do what I thought was necessary and what would be useful in a day, a week, a month.

Fourth week. Despair

It began to seem to me that everything was in vain: abstinence in itself does not solve problems - why am I doing all this? I literally “screamed” in correspondence with a friend about despair, about the fact that I didn’t know what else to change in order to start feeling good.

It seemed to me that nothing was working, nothing would help me anymore. This whole hunt for “bad” sources of easy pleasure and dopamine began to resemble some kind of witch hunt!

Through a process of painful reflection, I realized that my addiction was not only the cause of my difficulties, but at the same time a consequence of deeper problems that I had as a child. Once my inexperienced teenage mind became ensnared in supranormal stimuli, it began an endless cycle of escaping these problems that would plague my life for many years.

Of course, I was aware that I felt better. But the emotional itch from the lack of communication only intensified: most of my communication took place on the Internet, and in real life communication with people did not go well.

You need to spend time and resources on meeting people, having conversations and developing relationships, and as a result, you may not only not get pleasure, but also be very upset if something doesn’t work out. I had problems connecting with people, and therefore social life did not look attractive from the point of view of getting “quick” pleasure.

Of course, this was the wrong approach, because I had a need for communication, and an unsatisfied need for communication leads to depression.

I realized that work, study and busyness alone could not solve my problems. I needed to socialize in the real world - with real people!

Rules of masturbation8

If a girl has not yet gotten to know her body and wants to expand the boundaries of her sensuality and sexuality, then she will need a couple of tips from experienced masturbators:

You need to create a comfortable atmosphere so that there are no distractions and try to relax. Relaxing music can help with this.

To tune in to the right wave, you can fantasize, watch erotic magazines or videos. When excitement begins to increase, you can begin caresses, slowly stroking yourself in the most sensitive places: stomach, breasts, shoulders, thighs, etc.

Gradually you can begin to stimulate the perineum. By experimenting, you can choose the pace and movements that will bring you the most pleasure. You don’t need to follow any rules or recommendations, you just have to surrender to the moment and enjoy it.

A month and a half. Attempts and difficulties of socialization

After all, people are needed by other people for some reason: they say that we are social animals.

Realizing that lack of communication was my main problem, I decided to put aside all ambitions for now and find people. The task turned out to be not an easy one, considering that it seemed to me that I didn’t know anything, couldn’t do anything, and had generally been jerking off my whole life.

A study of the mental health of people seeking help for pornography abuse found a correlation between porn and loneliness: those who watch porn feel more lonely; in turn, the feeling of loneliness encourages more frequent viewing of porn.

It's not that I didn't have acquaintances or friends. But their free time was not enough to completely satisfy my need for communication.

Then I started actively meeting people on the Internet. This turned out to be a challenge in itself, but even more difficult was meeting someone in real life. After a week of such activity on social networks, a wave of depression and hopelessness washed over me.

Why did these painful experiences not result in a relapse this time, as they did other times? I believe that already having a healthy lifestyle at that time - and having roommates - helped me a lot.

I regularly went to group training and invited my neighbors with me. Just being in the same place with people who do the same thing as you helps you not feel so alone.

Soon I managed to make several new acquaintances, and not only through the Internet! Previously, I would not have had the mood, emotions and clarity of mind for this. Not that this will satisfy my needs for communication - but at least it is some progress.

It seems to me that if a person has a stable social circle (and even more so a close person), then the process of reboot and recovery will take less time or at least be less painful.

Fear of intimacy

But friends alone won't help matters. Of course, after a month and a half of my experiment, I began to boast that I had entered a “chastity” school, but it was completely obvious to me that sex was still necessary. Not only to satisfy a basic need, but also to break the neural chain of habit and replace sexual associations that are harmful to me with healthy ones. It often happened that when I thought about sex with real people, pictures from porn popped up in my imagination, and the plots of games came in my dreams.

I understand perfectly well that real sex has little in common with virtual content (and that’s good!), but this understanding does not help change the usual content of my ideas about sexuality.

I began to worry that I would begin to sacralize the topic of abstinence—which would mean falling from one unhealthy relationship to another. It’s great that I manage to live without porn - but these are not just pictures, this is a whole layer of my inner life associated with my sexuality and orgasm.

A long-term Dutch study found that viewing Internet pornography reduced the level of satisfaction with their sex lives among young adults of both sexes aged 13 to 20.

I still don’t know how my whole story will affect my close relationships with people. Until day 65 of the experiment, thoughts about sex with people sometimes conjured up scenes from porn - this scared me.

What if, for fear of causing an association with my former bad habit, I will be wary of any intimate contacts? Or will I start looking for “that very person” who will never exist?

Can masturbation replace regular sex?3

If sex becomes an obsession for a woman, then it can influence the lady’s personality, changing her sexual behavior and adding problems in relationships with the male sex.

Men are able to achieve the same orgasm both during traditional sex and during masturbation. Women do not have this ability; for them, unity with a loved one comes first, and sex itself is not so important. Handjob can provide only a small release, but it is impossible to deliver real sexual satisfaction, which is given by male hands, lips and other genitals.

Two month. Triggers and self-talk

I began to notice that communicating with people had become much easier than before the experiment - and at the same time more pleasant. Increased attentiveness to the interlocutor and a good mood contributed to this.

The awkwardness when communicating with strangers on the subway, at guitar evenings or at the university was felt much less. There was more communication, and it no longer felt unattainable. I began to feel attractive and interesting.

This is how the usual feeling of anxiety and fear of possible failures in communication was released from me. But it was precisely because of this discomfort that I hid in the virtual world! Now, even if something made me angry and upset, there was no desire to relieve the tension in the usual way.

I was no longer lazy about implementing ideas, it became easier to concentrate and work. I would go to the library and work on texts or study math for several hours.

Fatigue and drowsiness did not cause such an inadequate increase in libido. However, the less sleep I got, the harder it became to stay focused. Especially for sexual desires. When they became so strong that it was impossible to concentrate even on interesting lectures, the only joy was that at least I could not think about porn.

I still, albeit less frequently, experience various conditioned triggers that remind me of the “good old” days: when I open the door to a room and there is no one there, or when I hear words that remind me of games.

For example, the word flash may remind me of flash games (yes, it was that long ago), the line “Yoink!” - about the theft of clothes, and the GIF with a dancing two-dimensional girl is a hentai video. Some of these things are many years old, and I don't think they'll just go away.

Everything bad is quickly forgotten: my brain refused to accept that ideally this “experiment” would last forever. Sometimes it seemed to me that the problem was only in the search for novelty, and if you only watch something familiar, then everything will be ok. From time to time I was visited by obsessive thoughts that, in fact, “distorting” was cool and pleasant. I tried to brush them off as best I could.

It all felt like a falling apart relationship that you don’t want to end just because it’s better than nothing.

I will try to endure this emptiness until I can fill it with natural things. Moreover, there were more and more of them.

Interpretations of authorities

• The women's dream book interprets masturbation in a dream as boredom, loneliness and clumsy attempts to have fun. Perhaps the dream is one of the initial manifestations of depression. You need to shake yourself up, take care of yourself, find suitable physical activity. A stadium, gym, swimming pool, climbing club or hiking club with a good atmosphere and nice people is what you need.
• Freud's dream book considers masturbation in a dream as a sign of one's own helplessness. If you dream that you yourself are engaged in satisfying sexual needs, it is strange that a partner or some desired object does not appear in the dream. Detachment and emotional coldness interfere with enjoying life. Indeed, some great people give up emotional communication for the sake of amazing discoveries. Perhaps, in order to somehow justify your coldness, you will have to seriously study physics or mathematics. But you better try to have fun. It's unlikely you'll find the love of your life overnight, but it's worth a try.
• The Eastern dream book interprets self-satisfaction in a dream as a temporary loss of strength. To raise vitality, the dream book recommends several dozen different exotic dishes - bull eggs, dried animal penises, ordinary eggs with spicy seasonings and noodles in a strong broth with roots. According to the Eastern dream book, sticky and viscous cold sweat should come out of the patient’s chest in a dream. This is why spicy foods are used. The sadness will go away along with the sticky sweat.

Two and a half months. Computer games and loss of life

The released update of an online game very “successfully” wedged itself into this void - the same one that, in my drunken times, went side by side with watching porn.

Last time the games brought me to a breakdown. At first it was fun to play with friends, then defeats and disagreements began to cause discomfort, competition encouraged me to play more, tension grew, which I wanted to relieve between games with the help of masturbation.

But this time it didn't work out that way. Yes, I almost completely dropped out of life for 12 days at the end of my experiment. Yes, I stopped doing almost all useful things and began to sleep worse. But it’s significant that I no longer had any associations with masturbation, even during the most intense moments of the game!

My habits had weakened, and this made me incredibly happy. But the joy was limited to this: it became difficult to fall asleep, and due to lack of sleep, productivity could be forgotten. All I could do in this state was surf the Internet and play. Nightmares about me losing my mind began to come more often and look more intense. The brain took every opportunity to “attack” me again.

I was not happy with this turn of events (especially after all the good things I gained during the experiment). In addition, I realized that the game as such was not interesting to me at all!

I deleted it and swore off playing for a very long time. Compared to giving up porn, this is no longer a problem for me.

Three months. What's next?

After the 70th day of the experiment, changes are more difficult to notice. Other components of lifestyle are beginning to play an increasingly important role: sleep, sports, nutrition, employment, communication. Despite the episode with the game, during the day I almost never have to fight the urge to jerk off. There is discomfort, but the habit hardly reminds of itself.

Although I feel excitement and a desire to relax, but now they are directed towards real people, and not into the virtual world. However, I know that I have a very long road ahead of me to become who I have always wanted to be. I am sure that this experiment is just the beginning.